Tuesday, May 3, 2005

8:30 a.m.

How much can someone be truly dedicated to the one person that has meant more than anyone else? I was fortunate to have Linda as a part of my life for 21 short years. I am realizing more and more how much I must stay focused on just what she meant to me in order to deal with what has happened. This can seem contrary to how grief should be dealt with for some people, and yet I am finding that if I realize in my mind just how much a part of my life Linda has been, I will somehow come to understand how much I have truly loved her and still do. It doesn’t have to be by way of mourning for so great a loss, but by realizing I was given the greatest gift anyone could have.

Taking care of the girls over the weekend made me realize just how much Linda was a part of my life. To spend time with Jasmine and Azalia, without Linda, has made me realize how incomplete everything is without her. I thought about Linda all day yesterday. I live for the day when I will see her again and this isn’t just wishful thinking. It will become a reality.

No one can really understand how I feel. It is so strange to be single again, but it doesn’t mean Linda is not a part of me. I am married to a memory and yet it is as if Linda has only left for a little while and I will see her again at some point in the near future.

By trying to put thoughts of Linda out of my mind, it is only causing a greater problem. I still have memories of her suffering and resulting death, but for someone as beautiful as she was, I want to honor her in my mind by realizing just how much she meant to me.

Working on the flower garden last night did help stay connected to Linda. There is a cocoon developing in which it is important to seclude myself as much as possible from as much stress as I can at a time like this. I haven’t had a sense of peace about anything for so long and now it is time to collect my thoughts. I am having periods when I simply don’t want to talk to anyone about anything, but simply need time for myself. There is a real restlessness that sets in when dealing with death and grief. I really don’t know if this is a part of healing, but I really miss the most beautiful woman in the world that I am still in love with. I can’t imagine ever meeting anyone else that means as much to me as Linda has. This isn’t a fantasy of make believe, but a reality check of just how deep my love is for her. She was the most fantastic person I could have ever met and she was the queen in my life that I would have done anything for.

This is one day closer to seeing her again. Linda is so easy to write about. If only I could tell her just how much I miss her and how my poems and letters to her will never end. What an absolutely beautiful woman who had to suffer so much and no flower garden could ever be big enough to honor her memory.