Saturday, June 25, 2005

6:00 p.m.  

 

The last few days are among the most difficult I have faced so far, and it isn’t easy to express what they are. So much has been written about this experience and yet I wonder when writing about this will stop.

 

I have been reading about grief on the internet. I want to understand various aspects of it. The following is something I found on the website: Helpguide-Coping with Loss: Guide to Grieving and Bereavement.

The ‘work’ of grief includes:

• resolving any past grief

• fully acknowledging and accepting the intensity of present grief

• hurting, even though it’s not pleasant

“If you don’t allow yourself to have that experience, you are blocking your healing. Instead of trying to deny or medicate the pain, realize that the hurt is necessary in order for you to heal. Our experience of mental suffering offers us the chance to grow stronger in the process.”

 

When I read how experiencing mental suffering makes an individual stronger, I wonder how this is possible. I feel as if a vice grip has gripped my heart, and instead of strong, I feel at my weakest.

 

I appreciated the following quote: “Don’t be shocked if the person talks about being depressed or not wanting to continue living.” I have actually asked God to take my life and I have suffered from severe bouts of depression.

 

I am reminded of a quote from Psalm 38: “I am ready to fall, and my pain is ever with me. My heart throbs, my strength fails me. And the light of my eyes, even that has gone from me." God created emotions and therefore He knows how emotionally fragile we become when experiencing a loss.

 

For two years I have been sharing my story. Little did I realize how traveling life’s journey alone would be so difficult. I can understand why the person left behind doesn’t want to live, regardless of the hope felt inside when knowing a loved one will be seen someday.

 

I feel as if not only an arm or leg as been severed, but my heart has also been taken and put in a place where I have to find it. It’s as if God has to lead me to where it is.

 

The loss of a loved one is the pain of all pain's. It is a hell of all hell's. There is an anguish that is as deep as a well. No one on this earth can rescue the person who is experiencing grief. It simply has to run its course and will not leave until faced head on and played out.

 

For the atheist, I can only hurt for the individual with such a tragic state of mind. How easy it is to be haughty and obstinate when everything is going a person’s way when not needing God. There can’t be a more tragic state in life than to say there isn’t a God when He is needed the most. How does anyone survive so much emotional pain without God?

 

I have cried many more tears today. Where do they all come from? I have set a personal record for the number shed in such a short period of time.

 

Linda filled a special place in this life. The many people who came in contact with her were touched by her. She was a very giving person. She listened to so many problems others were experiencing. She never complained when someone talked more about themselves than the cancer she was experiencing. She simply was a listener. What a special person she was.

 

Some have asked me what Linda would want in my life now that she is gone. In all honesty, I never asked her and she never told me. I know she would not be surprised at the number of tears I have shed. Many times she had to look away when I was crying during her illness. She prayed for me many times when she was ill because she knew how difficult this would be. I simply loved her with all my heart. I have said this many times, but I am the only one who knows how much she really meant to me.