Tuesday, April 5, 2005

6:00 a.m.

I never did go back to bed after waking up at 2:00 a.m. yesterday morning. After visiting my parents in the afternoon, I came home and slept in a chair from 9:00-11:00 and finally went to bed and actually had a fair night’s sleep.

 

It is more difficult to write today. What is there to say? Strange how Linda died last Friday morning and yet it doesn’t have any relevance to the days that have gone by. It is hard to describe how time is really just a word.

 

Linda would have loved yesterday. It was really beautiful. We would have gone for a walk together.

 

It’s odd how one minute I will feel somewhat stable, if I can even use the word, and the next moment there are feelings totally the opposite. Yesterday morning, so many emotions rushed through my mind. I called Hospice and made an appointment with a grief counselor at 1:00 in the afternoon.

 

I prayed on my knees after the call and yet the words are hard to express. Knowing what to say is very difficult and so I stated to God that I simply don’t know how to feel. It is as if blindfolded and you are trying to find a door out of the room you are trapped in. You reach out and yet you walk aimlessly. I feel praying has been a lot like this. I reach out to God, but many times I simply become very tired and don’t know what to say. The words seem so inadequate. It is as if a mental block has taken place and to find the words are a bit agonizing at times. God is patient, however, and praying will come in time. The difficulty with praying started some time back when it was becoming evident God was going to allow Linda to die. It doesn’t mean anger or frustration has caused an attitude towards God, but the hope of Linda surviving this ordeal was lessening by the day and I simply became very tired when praying because words were hard to express. I now pray while walking throughout the house or I’ll just say a few words out loud when alone. Many times I have cried and prayed at the same time when going to bed.

 

I spoke with Jill, a grief counselor, for 90 minutes and I will attend the first meeting tomorrow afternoon at 4:00 . Hospice is the only credible organization I recommend to anyone and I do plan to become a grief counselor in order to help others. First I must learn to work through this ordeal. So many people need help and it was explained that a number of individuals are under a doctor’s care in order to work through grief. Attending meetings will perhaps help me to understand how important a close relationship with God is. Jill mentioned my weight loss is cause for some concern if it continues, but a loss of appetite is common as a caregiver and resulting emotional difficulties. There are 300 families a year in my county alone who experience the loss of a loved one because of an accident, murder or illness. Multiply this for areas across the country and there are many tears shed everyday. What if we could see and hear how deeply grief is affecting people around the world?

 

Support groups are looked upon as a crutch by some caregivers who experience the death of a loved one.  It consists of an exclusive group of people who have one thing in common and yet everyone deals with death differently. Attitudes are as varied as the color of a rainbow. Everyone, however, can be open and can learn from one another’s experience.

 

I always look forward to daylight. There is something about the blackness of the night. It closes in and seems to take forever to go away. The world becomes a lot quieter when the sun leaves, but soon people will once again face another insane and hectic day with so many not having a clue as to what is really important.

 

Brandon did bring a picture of Linda in a frame yesterday and I put it next to the flowers I bought in her memory. I am going to have a special spot in the house for Linda. I want flowers to be something to remember her by. Linda loved flowers, but the most beautiful one of all is now gone. She will always be with me, however, and no one can take this away. Twenty-one years went by so fast.

 

Brandon also just sent pictures from his computer. I am struck by a photo Linda had taken during last Thanksgiving. I have always loved it. I cried when I first saw it. I can see the pain in her eyes. I actually kissed Linda’s photo on the monitor and screamed out how much I miss her.

 

It is amazing how many tears are shed everyday for others. Many people go on once the shock is over and one death replaces the grief of another. Death overlaps in its impact. So much of it takes place and yet it is something we never get use to. I have received emails from people who are dealing with the death of a loved one and it strikes a nerve as to how we don’t yearn enough for God’s Kingdom.