Saturday, April 9, 2005

7:00 a.m.

 

Yesterday morning was very difficult. How many mornings have I said this and yet it was different when looking at the clock throughout the early hours and the darkness couldn’t leave fast enough. It was the one week mark since Linda died and I can remember what happened at certain moments. I spent the morning listening to soft music, crying, thinking, and as difficult as it was, I did pray what few words were able to be said to God on my knees. It takes a lot of effort. Prayer is now when walking from room to room or lying in bed with tears.

 

Thursday night was the strangest evening ever experienced in my life. There is something about losing someone that is the most intense emotion that can be felt. A wide variety of thoughts and feelings constantly bombard your mind, but it was different this time. I can only try to explain what I felt, but I cannot speak for others who have experienced this. I am not a mouthpiece for anyone. I only know that I have been reaching into areas of my mind and realizing feelings never experienced before. It is virtually impossible to explain what this is like. It is what I call the dark side of the human experience. Yes, the absolute knowledge and assurance of Linda being resurrected is always there, but the thoughts I had were that of just how much losing Linda is hitting me and how it is causing me to change my view of everything. It is as if I am reaching so deep into what is thought and felt and it is virtually impossible to put into words what it is like. If this isn’t dealt with, and faced head on, it is going to haunt me until it is understood the best way I know how.

 

With the memorial service tomorrow, it is something very much on my mind. With family problems prevalent, it is tragic we are honoring Linda’s life and memory when seeing what is happening. She would not be pleased and I simply want life to be simple at this time, but this may be asking for too much. Perhaps after the service is over, a semblance of peace can take place..

 

I have decided to simply have a memorial plaque for the flower garden that says, “In Memory Of Linda, Who Is Still The Flower Of My Life: August 14, 1950-April 1, 2005.” Honor is something owed to her and it will not be violated by family problems, which should not be happening. I plan to make the garden bigger than I had planned and I will buy the first flowers tomorrow after the memorial service. Having a project in Linda’s honor will be something which will probably take all spring and summer. The garden will be the most beautiful tribute I could possibly do for the flower of my life and I spent yesterday afternoon looking over how large it will be. Flowers will be planted everywhere and a wide variety to represent the many trials Linda had to endure and overcome. I look forward to doing this and I know Linda would be pleased. A picture will be taken of it and sent to everyone who is familiar with what is happening.

 

Hospice advised I buy something for myself since so much of life has been taking care of Linda. Time was purchased yesterday in order to think and relax. There is so much pressure to deal with at a time like this and time doesn’t cost anything. It is always available and to purchase it for personal use does have great and lasting benefits.

 

I added cushions to the porch furniture and placed a blanket on the back of the couch. Chimes were given in Linda’s memory with the words engraved, “In Loving Memory Of Linda Markland.” They are very relaxing to hear. Sitting and listening to them, with the birds flying back and forth, and the wind gently blowing, was totally relaxing yesterday afternoon. Spring is here and the grass is as green as a crayon. The sign of new life is taking place and what could be more appropriate than to honor Linda with the beauty of spring, which symbolizes the beauty of her character. What an honor it was to know her and have her as a part of my life for 21 short years. How I miss her, and I can only imagine how many other’s are feeling the same way as they miss their loved ones.

 

To be quite honest, what is written is not for the purpose of having attention drawn to myself. What is happening is not about me, but I am writing with the hope of explaining how death affects a person who is simply trying to understand emotions never experienced before. This is when the word “I” is perhaps used more often, but hopefully others can put themselves in my place and relate.