April 27, 2006

My Dearest Emma,

Today marks one year since you initially graced this world with your presence. I missed out on the joyful anticipation of your arrival, and also on being a part of the journey as you were knit together in your birth mother's womb. How I wish I could have been there to share the miracle of your first soft breath, and lovingly welcome you into the world. How I long to have held you close from the very beginning, to have protected and comforted you through the difficult, lonely days & nights that comprised the weeks following your birth. My heart mourns, but I take solace in knowing that our Lord Jesus was there with you. I am confident that He sustained you, and held you in His own arms until Daddy & I got there, how else could the gentle little girl that stole our hearts on June 3^rd have slept as peacefully as you did?

Long before I embraced your sweetness the night we met, you were my child. You may not have been flesh of my own flesh, but you have always been in my heart. We prayed for you, steadfastly believing that that the children we were supposed to have would be led into our waiting arms. We trusted God, full of hope, as decisions we had no control over were being made on your behalf. We believed that from the beginning of time, our sovereign Lord knew the plans He had for you, and for our family. We loved you before we ever saw you ~ and with our first breathtaking glimpse of you, our hearts became inextricably woven together with yours, then overflowed with gratitude to God for the priceless gift that you are.

You were absolutely beautiful, dressed simply in a diaper and laying on hospital blankets in a warmer. Thick, beautiful, dark hair covered your head, your skin was delicate & so very soft. You were swaddled tightly, laying on your side, and despite the needles, tubes, machines, you were calm & content. Like all new mommies & daddies, we eagerly examined you head to toe, cooing, kissing & caressing you. We dressed you in pretty new clothes & wrapped you in a soft pink blanket. We took picture after picture, lost in the wonder, pride & joy we felt at having a precious new daughter. You were so fragile, yet had a strength about you that inspired us. You never woke, but I like to think that with the first touch, you knew that Mommy was finally there. We will never, ever forget our first moments together, the tiny flower that had started blooming without us, stretched its tender little roots deep into our souls, where they still remain ~ and will for all time.

Little did we know how brief our time together was to be. After 12 children, it never once occurred to me in those early days that we couldn't overcome anything that came our way, let alone that I would never see my hopes & dreams for you realized this side of Eternity. Instead, you taught me more during your short life than I've learned in all of mine. I watched in agony & awe over the next seven months, as you patiently endured so much, fought so bravely, rested so quietly, trusted so completely, and in the process, painted a beautiful picture for me of how we should respond to our Heavenly Father's will in all things. I learned to see life differently than I've ever seen it before, and I can say with my whole heart that God is always good. I've tarried far, far longer in the valley than I would have chosen, but am no longer frightened by the shadows that lurk there. I am closer to Heaven than ever before , and I can say with Job that "I have heard of thee by the hearing of the ear; but now mine eye seeth thee."

I treasure the blessing of being your mommy. In His time, and according to His purpose, God placed you in our arms for a moment, and used your life to change ours forever. Four months ago tomorrow, He gently lifted you from my loving & reluctant arms, back into His own. My pain will never know an end, but my heart is able to say, the Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away, blessed indeed be the precious Name of the Lord. You are basking in His very presence, what sweet comfort I hold fast! Still, not a second goes by that I don't miss you so much I can barely breathe ~ my heart aches, and I still weep freely. How I long to hold you close, to feel your warm baby breath on my cheek, to drink deeply of your delicate smell, and to kiss your beautiful, angelic face again. I'm confident that one day very soon, my sweet lamb, I will ~ because I know that my Redeemer lives!! Our wondrous reunion will be only on e of the countless joys awaiting us in Eternity! I love you more than life itself, my precious baby girl, and yearn for the day when the pain that has so relentlessly overshadowed us during this last year will be swallowed in victory. Together, we'll praise, worship & serve the One Who loved us first, and gave Himself for us so that we could live with Him & enjoy untold blessings, forever. Until then, rest, I will see you in the morning.

Happy birthday my little love,

Mommy