God, I need to understand something that is very difficult to deal with right now. Something has happened to me. It is really hard to talk to you about this on my knees and so I thought I would write you a letter.

 

You see, so much of my life has been Linda. Far more then I have realized.

 

Didn’t you give me the responsibility to take care of her? Wasn’t I suppose to have her before myself? God, I did the best I could. I made mistakes along the way, but when Linda died, I died with her. I loved her with all my heart.

 

Many times you have heard me say, my heart has a knife inserted in it. I am not angry because you haven’t removed it. It’s just that the heartache is very deep. Love is the strongest emotion in the world. When death comes, it is impossible to understand.

 

I was honored to have Linda in my life. You know the many tears I have been shedding over losing her. I miss her so much, but I do want to thank you for loaning her to me for almost 22 years. You see, God, I wanted to keep Linda as long as I could. I know I am selfish to say this because she finished her race. You have been so merciful by taking her life so she no longer has to suffer. Somehow it sounds different when I say this compared to someone else.

 

Right now, God, I have to take care of myself. I have been told by my grief counselor that I lost myself due to being so consumed with taking care of Linda for so long. I really didn’t have a chance to know what her illness was doing to me. She was everything in my life and I simply had time for nothing else.

 

God, I feel as if I see a little speck of dust in the far distance. That little speck is me. I left myself somewhere along the way, and I hope to meet myself someday. I’ve been told it will take a while.

 

I am convinced that the people who are totally immersed with taking care of a loved one have the hardest time dealing with death.

 

Why do I keep writing about this? I hate this subject and yet I can’t stop writing about it.

 

I have also been told by my grief counselor that I keep avoiding talking about myself because it is too painful. Every time she mentions this, I start crying because something has happened along the way. I don’t resent taking care of Linda. It’s just that I put all of my emotions on hold for so long and it is a personal hell trying to understand what has happened.

 

The past two years have caused me to leave myself behind. I have been told that what I am now dealing with started even before Linda’s bout with cancer. I haven’t realized how much I was consumed with other issues Linda was dealing with. I now feel I took on too much because things really touched a nerve with me when seeing what bothered Linda.  Now I have to find the little speck of dust called me and introduce myself to myself.

 

I have been warned of depression because of the type of grief I am experiencing. I keep delving deeper and deeper when trying to understand what has happened. This is the dark side of this human existence. Only when facing death, does the ugly side of this life sting and hurt.

 

God, I don’t question your love for me nor am I troubled about my spiritual relationship with you, but I have been told that Linda’s illness has affected me far more than I have realized. I keep telling you this, don’t I? I am only now beginning to see this and yet I am having a hard time expressing my feelings to my grief counselor when asked how Linda’s death has affected me. I even have a hard time telling you, and so this is why I am writing this letter. Thank you for overlooking the fact that I been saying so many things more than once.

 

I’ve always thought writing about this would be just about Linda. I don’t like using the word “I” so much. I’ve actually found myself asking people about themselves after just two grief counseling sessions. I don’t like concentrating on what this has done to me.

 

God, I hate what has happened. It is amazing how things have changed. Would you please make the little speck of dust I see a bit bigger? I just wonder what I will be like when I meet myself. I feel as if I am on another journey and perhaps it is called, Finding Myself.