Monday, April 4, 2005

7:40 a.m.

 

How is a person honestly and truthfully able to understand death in whatever form? Is it any easier if a loved one is killed suddenly, compared to a long-term illness? I can only relate to what Linda went through, but when it comes to actually losing someone, this is when not relating to what a person is experiencing stops.

 

What is so disheartening about losing someone is the lack of any type of control over anything as a survivor. There is such a feeling of helplessness unlike any other. What is really going on inside of the mind of a person who is experiencing the loss under the most tragic of circumstances? I want to be openly and bluntly honest in what I write. What I am going to say is the culmination of month’s worth of heartache and pain. The devastation felt for the loss of the most beautiful woman I could have ever met may be a bit different than what many who haven’t experienced something like this may think they would feel. Even someone who has lost someone may be handling or have handled it differently than I have, but I can only come to this conclusion after dealing with Linda’s cancer for 21 months and other life threatening illnesses she had throughout our 21 years of marriage.

 

The one thing I have learned is how little death is understood. How can we possibly get a grip on it? No matter what the Bible says, I simply do not relate to seeing Linda again with a healthy body as the Bible explains. By seeing her sick for so long, how can I spiritualize away such a horrible physical state in which she died?

 

Death is the most uncomfortable subject in the world to talk about. We want to move on to something more pleasant when touching on any aspect of death. As human beings, we simply find death foreign and anyone experiencing it, well, somehow they are put in a place away from those who feel very uncomfortable being around the depression felt by the one feeling the loss. Only when we have to face death head on do we understand what others are going through. How can we otherwise?

 

A person experiencing the loss of a loved one, or taking care of someone who is terminally ill, is boring to be around. As a survivor, or caregiver, you walk around in a daze. You have no sense of direction. Nothing is interesting. People don’t like being around you because you don’t relate to others. Even during a terminal illness, you become totally different when you see a loved one suffer and have to carry on everyday responsibilities. Time limits are put on those who have lost someone. People seem to understand if you have to take care of someone and you are going through a lot, but if it has been a year and perhaps even less when someone dies, people want the person grieving to get a life. People look at facial expressions to judge whether the person is approachable. So many people won’t talk about what has happened, and even the boring weather is a good substitute as a topic. What people don’t realize is that the person grieving doesn’t mind talking about what happened. How can you be married to someone for years and simply avoid the subject? If anything, the person experiencing the death of someone they loved can draw the conclusion that either people don’t care or that they are afraid because they think it is a too emotional to talk about.

 

After seeing Linda suffer for so long, this is all I have thought about and will continue to think about. I am not really interested in any other topic. She was, and is, my main focus. God can be talked about, but can a person grieving really relate to the spiritual? Not really, unless there is some way to really get to the heart of grieving and what is reality when talking about it. The resurrection to a new body of the one who has died seems so futuristic because time is looked at in terms of days, weeks and dreaded years when grieving and it is not viewed in a positive manner.

 

By now what has been said may be viewed as very self-centered on the part of the person grieving. Try not thinking about it when a person is suffering or dies, and it is a recipe for disaster. We are to grieve and learn. By simply looking at it as closure if someone has died has to be the worst way to view something. Perhaps the person who gives a pep talk can, but not the person grieving. Since I am writing about my personal experience, I would like to ask the following.

 

Please look at what has happened to Linda and I as if you wake up one day and your wife or husband tells you, they don’t feel good and an appointment is made with the doctor. The answer comes as a shock when you find out a tumor has formed. The mind shifts into emergency mode. Would you carry on your regular duties? Not really. All of a sudden what was suppose to have been a routine day, no longer is. You are facing a life threatening situation. Aggravate the problem by having to make decisions you have never made before. Hours turn into days. Days turn into weeks. Your whole life is consumed by the illness. Than comes the ultimate test. Death is a real possibility. What if it doesn’t come easy? Look at your wife or husband. How much do they weigh? I am of course only speaking of cancer and it is now the number one killer in the world. Supposing you have a petite wife of 112 lbs. Such was the case for Linda. The cancer worsens and soon you find out your thin and beautiful wife weighs 105, than 98 and the decline continues. This is only the beginning of a personal hell. The worst thing that can happen is to have cancer when you are in the 30-60 age group. The younger and stronger you are, the more suffering will take place.

 

How quiet would you be during this time? Would you want to avoid the subject? Or would you need someone to talk to? How about the spiritual aspect of the disease and your relationship with God? This is the ultimate test. What if God doesn’t answer your prayers when you think He should? What if you fast to God week in and week out and the one you love is still dying? How desperate would you be if your wife or husband cries out they want to die and can’t? I am not asking these questions in order for people to pity what Linda and I went through, but I guarantee anyone who doesn’t know what this is like that it is the ultimate of all tests to face. It is gut-wrenching and heart-breaking. What if you have night after night with very little sleep? What if your husband or wife becomes an absolute skeleton with leathery skin and no muscle mass and you keep wondering how long it can continue. Then comes death and even though you knew it was a real possibility, it is still hard to believe.

 

I am doing the best I can to face head on what has happened. I simply want to understand so many things about what took place and to deal with emotions that I put on hold. If a disease such as cancer has raped all dignity from your life, it is natural to want some semblance of understanding. Otherwise, you will feel overwhelmed and I have at times.

 

If I say that it is difficult to relate to the spiritual, some may not understand this. It is not easy to pray when you watch someone die that you love. It is not easy to study the Bible when reading words that are hard to relate to. It can be very difficult to believe in a merciful God when seeing someone suffer. But my question is, where else is there to go? What other hope is there to have? This has been a time when I have seen more faults and weaknesses in myself than any other. I have never felt more helpless than to see Linda develop into a mere emaciated skeleton figure. This is what bothers me so much. She didn’t deserve this type of death, but cancer simply has no respect. It will continue to kill as long as this old world doesn’t have God. Of course to say this is old-fashioned, but does anyone have a better answer?