Friday, June 24, 2005

9:00 p.m.

Just how far along should I be in my 12^th week of grieving? There is no one to compare myself with since how I grieve is different than anyone else.

 

The last two days have been very difficult. There is an emotional battle taking place unlike any I have ever experienced in my life. Others can give advise, but there is a battle being waged for a semblance of sanity to be brutally honest. Normalcy has taken on a whole new meaning and dimension. There is a titanic battle taking place in my life at this time, and yet there isn’t a single person that can truly understand how I feel. God does understand, but I have come to see that He refines and uses what is happening as a cleansing process. The rough edges of my character have to be chipped away, and with each fragment that is being eliminated, I have come to see an aspect of life I have never even remotely understood before. The refining process is very painful.

 

I simply miss Linda. How in all honesty can I put into words emotions I myself do not understand? What does it mean to just be myself? I simply do not know what I am suppose to feel or think at this point and time. I now understand why people still feel the impact of a death months and years down the road.

 

Friends and family hurt inside and feel inadequate when it comes to what can be said. I simply feel sadness and grief every day of my life. When I get up in the morning, the very woman God gave to me is no longer here. It is so quiet in this house. I want so badly to just reach over and touch Linda.

 

I work throughout the day, and I can’t call Linda on the phone and ask how her day is going. When I walk into the house after a day’s work, she isn’t at the door to greet me. The evening’s are terribly long and lonely.

 

Yesterday, as I was driving down the road, I had to keep wiping the tears from my eyes. Today, I buried my head in my hands and cried so many tears. I still have such a difficult time believing Linda is gone.

 

I have to be brutally honest and say I feel I am just existing most of the time. I have so many emotions wanting to receive attention.

 

My grief counselor has told me on a number of occasions that I am still not dealing with certain emotions. She is correct, and yet I wish she wasn’t. Some aspects of what has happened are very painful to face. It takes time to sift through so much of what happened as a caregiver.

 

The greatest difficulty I have had for some time are pictures in my mind of Linda dying that still are as fresh as if it happened a moment ago. I thought I was past the images, but I cry tears each day when I think of how I found her at 2:30 in the morning on Friday, April 1^st. We fought the battle against cancer as soul mates, and I have such a hard time handling the fact that she went through so much pain and suffering before she died. How many people reading this have experienced weeks and months of suffering? Could they quickly dismiss the image of their loved one dying such a painful and horrible death?

 

Sometimes I have so many tears inside that I cry out with screams when crying. Perhaps these tears have been withheld in a special compartment created by God as I come to grips with this. Just a few minutes ago, I laid my head on my desk and the tears flowed as I wailed with gasps. I thought I would be further along by now, but I realize the grieving process cannot be rushed. I did cry out to God today and asked why He had to take Linda, but it was asked with a humble attitude.

 

I loved Linda with all my heart. I find myself shutting my eyes at different times of the day when I feel overwhelmed. I sometimes sit in my vehicle and stare at the sky. I am definitely at a crossroads, and yet I am determined to get through this with God’s help.

 

Some people are quick to give spiritual advise, but they aren’t in my shoes. I simply have never experienced anything like this in my life, and so I have to learn not to play games with my emotions. There are still so many ups and downs on this emotional roller coaster.

 

Love is a very powerful emotion. It doesn’t disappear, but stays with the individual who is mourning. I pity the people who are married to each other and really don’t realize how important love is. Simply existing with one another is so common in marriages, and if only people knew what it is to loose someone who is loved beyond words. I miss the flower God gave to me, and no matter how much I try to put Linda out of my mind, she is still so much a part of my life. How much I wish I could hold her in my arms and tell her how much I love her. She was everything to me, and now all I can do is write about her. It is time for another set of tears and so I’ll stop for now.