Monday, April 4, 2005

2:00 a.m.

How does a person truly express in words what it means to lose someone? It is virtually impossible. No matter how it is put, it is the emptiest feeling in the world. Today is a different feeling than yesterday and yesterday was far different than the day before. The one constant in all of this, however, is the emotional pain that cuts deep.

Real grief is something so few people really understand. A wounded spirit is as deep as a pit. No matter what the relationship is with God, it simply hurts. A loved one is missed more than anyone can possibly imagine. It is as if the person grieving is a round peg trying to fit in a square hole. It hurts so much and tears stream down the face like a waterfalls.

I absolutely know a day is coming when Linda will be resurrected and I will see her again, but what of the moments at this time when I walk into each room and I see a constant reminder of her by how the house is decorated? What of a new approach to life that does not have her included? How many other people are experiencing this or are about to?

People try to comprehend what this is like. It cannot be done. Spiritual understanding does help, but someone physical is no longer here. As a caregiver, so many months of being occupied by this was everything. Taking care of someone I loved was of top priority. Now the very hospital bed in our home in which Linda was lying in has been replaced by another piece of furniture.

People have written and stated that I have been strong through this. I disagree. I did what I had to do because cancer was an ominous figure that was determined to make life hell and it succeeded. I loved Linda with all my heart. She was a jewel. She was someone I loved that cannot be expressed in words, but my love for her was felt to the bottom of my soul. How can this be replaced by simply doing things that haven’t been done for so long?

Yes, this is all about missing someone. It is being expressed with a feeling of total helplessness. We are simply made to have a need for one another. When the person who has been so much a part of life is gone, how can it possibly be explained with mere words?

The worst part is waking up. When sleeping, there is no consciousness of the hell being felt. The first thing to do when waking at all hours of the morning is to look at the empty spot next to you. The bed seems so much bigger. Walking into the bathroom and looking in the mirror brings a dread of facing another day of this. Yes, it is very early in this experience, but it becomes very real when walking into each room and it is completely quiet.

Grief, along with tears, is something God doesn’t take away. It is difficult to pray at this time and to look  ahead to a time when everyone will not have to experience this someday. The next day is thought about, the next week and the next year. It is all about living this physical life without someone you love. Many people who read this, and haven’t experienced the loss of a loved one, won’t realize how important it is to be able to reach out and touch the people in their lives. So many people have written words of encouragement. I have appreciated them all, but it only helps for a very brief moment. Reality hits hard. It has to be faced, but it is very very difficult. It is a feeling unlike any other.

All I know is that there are many other Linda’s who will be gone today and a loved one will be left behind. So many tears for the first time are going to be shed today and may have just taken place as I write this.

When someone dies, it is a reality check unlike any other. You reach into the very bottom of your soul and look at things as never before. The hardest part is to leave your home and face a world that doesn’t have a clue.

I will soon be going back to bed after just a few hours of sleep. The reality of this will flee for a brief period, but soon another day will be here. It is a matter of putting one foot in front of another and doing what is difficult.

Missing a loved one is unmatched by anything else. Yes, God is there, but He cannot be felt or touched. He is spirit and experiencing the loss of someone who was simply physical is far different. God made a helpmate to balance a person. Years of being married to that person cannot be replaced by simply praying and establishing a relationship with God when being hit with this. Grief and pain is what God allows and does not stop immediately. It is simply experienced and no matter how much you don’t want it to hurt, it is as sharp as a knife that cuts very deep. It is called a wounded spirit that mourns from morning to night. Tears fall like rain and it is the emptiest feeling in the world.

Yes, God is our real hope, but lessens, and very painful ones at that are learned. There is no choice in this matter. Only pictures of a loved one is what can be related to. Friends and family can only help so much. The absolute truth and reality in all of this is that you simply miss a loved one and I miss Linda beyond words. I bought flowers in her memory yesterday and have set them on the living room coffee table. Next to them is her photo along with a poem I wrote. I constantly look at her. So much I wanted her to live and yet death is simply beyond anyone’s control. The knife inserted in my heart is very deep and now I understand how deep grief can go. Yes, I was there with Linda to the end, but by spending so much time with her, it developed an emotional bond that is etched in my memory and won’t be erased. This is almost a curse because so much was experienced with a tragic outcome.

Death is the hardest thing for a human being to face. Divorce is second. I have experienced both. This is nothing like being physically separated from someone else who is still alive. This has finality to it in this life. There is a yearning that can be expressed by screaming in an open field that could be heard for miles if it was possible. A pit has been dug and the person grieving has jumped in head first.

People who have experienced this have told me the first year is the worst. If this is the case, many difficult moments are ahead without a doubt. The four seasons will come and go and to be quite honest, if there wasn’t a God I would have kept some of Linda’s medication and died with her. I simply miss her, and  every possible human emotion is experienced when losing someone you love.