Wednesday, May 18th, 2005

6:30 a.m.

  

I dreamed of Linda last night. She was healthy. This is the first time she was actually healthy in any dream I have had. This was the 6th major dream since she died. Perhaps this is an improvement since past dreams have been of her illness, and resulting death.

 

I worked on the garden last night for just over 3 hours. It has to be nurtured and oak seeds seem to be the biggest nuisance. I'm on a warpath against them. A father and daughter walked by and the dad used the word "awesome" when describing the garden. It's encouraging to hear the different comments from people when they come by. It makes the project a bit worthwhile when I know people take notice. The 9th step of 22 has been placed in the garden so far. It takes about 30-45 minutes to do each one.

 

I’ve been told that I need to find myself, but when thinking so much of Linda, this is difficult to do. Perhaps small positive improvements are happening. At least I am not always thinking of how she died, and the garden does bring a positive overview of her life.

  

Well, it is almost the 7th week since Linda died. I don't look forward to Friday's. The date that will be the most bothersome is when I start aging, but Linda will still be 54. The days of being a senior citizen are fast approaching and yesterday when walking in the parking lot of the local Wal-Mart, I noticed a senior couple in their 70s. It dawned on me that with probably a 20-25 year difference in age, a quicker pace was in order because I was walking as slow as they were. I thought to myself how it's getting pretty bad when I am walking as slow as people on social security. They both had gray hair, and since I do as well, I thought of how quickly life passes by. I looked at my wedding picture last night and it's hard to believe my hair was actually dark at one time. Where did the time go?

 

Linda was never given senior citizen discounts when eating out, but I was. She always chuckled at this, but it was always a great way to save money. I've always been told gray hair is a sign of being distinguished, but little do we realize how fast time slips by, and how being young is something we have all been privileged to experience. It's amazing to think that I graduated from high school 36 years ago. It's sobering to think of how little I realized when I graduated, that one divorce would take place, followed by the loss of someone I was happily married to by a wretched disease called cancer. Life has many surprises.