Thursday, April 7, 2005

8:00 p.m.

 

Attending my first grief counseling session yesterday afternoon was a little rough. Pointed questions were asked and the one that bothered me the most was whether Linda ever gave anything back to me in return for what I did for her throughout our marriage. This struck a nerve because I feel she was dealing with so much in her life and I wasn’t concerned about whether she gave anything back to me. It is something I have never considered before and I felt the question was equivalent to a giant hand that reached inside and pinched an emotional nerve.

 

I did not sleep well last night. Family problems are now another aspect to deal with and I am simply tired from the ordeal of taking care of Linda and I hate what is now happening. Linda would be sickened if she knew. I’ll just leave what I have said as an overall statement of something that I find is a real aggravation and a dishonor to Linda’s memory and her struggles. My parents have always been available to talk with and my sister visiting from Houston has also been an added benefit. Linda’s death has really helped bring us closer together.

 

It was very difficult working today. I was very depressed. A lack of sleep, along with a gloomy and rainy day didn’t help. I am also having flashbacks of the way Linda died and this is a bit hard to shake at times. Two mornings ago I thought I saw Linda lying next to me in the same fetal position she died. I was half asleep and it took a few hours to shake the image.

 

It is hard to believe Linda died almost a week ago. Time seems surreal and there is no day similar to another. Things are so different

 

I am writing this after a visit to the funeral home, where final arrangements have been made. There will be 10-12 songs played. Three quiet selections have been chosen from Kenny G. Two will be from Elvis Presley. One is “How Great Thou Art” and “If I could dream.” Linda loved both of them. A few quiet instrumentals, with the sounds of the ocean in the background, have been chosen. The final selection will be, “Wake Me Up.” It is one of the most beautiful songs anyone would want to hear on the coming resurrection of the dead.

 

I plan to read the segment, “Journey To The House Of Mourning”. I composed the piece as a way to deal with closure and a testimony to the long and difficult journey Linda and I took together. I just hope I can get through the whole thing without too many tears.

 

Another day is almost over. They really can’t come and go fast enough. I simply want to see Linda again as quickly as possible.