Wednesday, April 27, 2005

9:00 p.m.

 

Since Sunday, I have been in a rut. This is a time when emotions never before felt are being addressed, and it’s as if a dead end has come out of nowhere. The frustration of what to say only adds to this emotional hell.

 

I do, however, understand what has been the most troubling aspect of this whole experience since Linda died. It can seem simple to those who have known the many ups and downs she had, and yet when all is said and done, it is not so easy when grieving for her.

 

Just how is it possible someone you love so much could have died? This is something I ask myself so many times. Living with the reality that Linda is gone is so incomprehensible at times. I still have a hard time believing she isn’t here. How could someone so beautiful and wonderful be gone? Yes, cancer is what killed her and yet never did the thought remotely occur in my mind in the early years of our marriage that Linda would someday be a victim of such a deadly disease. I can still remember vividly the first diagnosis in 2003 and all of the uncertainty that followed up until her death.

 

Today, I found a box of pictures. It contained Linda’s diploma from high school. Her graduation picture had the typical permed hairstyle of 1969. Another photo showed her standing next to her first car, which was a Volkswagen Beetle. Linda was so proud of that little car. After 3 to 4 minutes, I could no longer look at any more photos. A beautiful woman is gone and when all is said and done, memories and photos are the only two things I have left. The tears flowed as I traveled back to work. I did my best to put my emotions on hold for the past three days, but I couldn’t contain myself after looking at a few pictures.

 

I still have times when I wish I could have died next to Linda because it is really difficult living each day without her. It will be 4 weeks this coming Friday since her death. I have said many times how much I miss her and I’ll say it a thousand more. Sometimes I close my eyes and simply want to make everything go away.

 

Perhaps if I simply admit to myself how difficult it is to believe she is gone, it will help. All of this seems surreal. Sometimes I wonder how I am going to make it through another day. One 24 hour period blends into another.

 

Today someone mentioned to me that her mother wants to buy a copy of my book when it is finished. The person actually stated her mother cried when she read my poems. I was taken back by this comment because I hate writing about this.  I still ask, why this subject?

 

There is a pain inside that stays during all my waking hours. This is one painful journey, and if only Linda were still here. I miss hearing her voice and touching her. I hate being alone. So many other people are saying this today as well. There simply are no words of comfort when missing someone. The Bible of course provides the only true and long lasting answers, but when waking up each morning, the days are long and basically predictable. Another long and difficult day has come and gone. This has once again been a day in which I hate what grief does to this old world and to me. So many people are experiencing grief as a result of death, and so many are affected by the deadliest enemy in the world. It simply saps the human spirit.