Linda, I have debated for so long as to whether I should write this letter to you. I know you can’t read what I have written, but sometimes I feel I am going to lose my mind. I know I won’t, but the days without are very difficult. There is so much to say.

 

If only you knew how much I was affected when I saw you wracked with so much pain and suffering from a disease that robbed you of all dignity. It was my responsibility to take care of you, and yet I could do so little. This did something to me. As your husband, who loved you with all my heart, I wanted so much to hold you and tell you how much it was killing me inside to see you suffer hour after hour. I know it hurt for you to cry, and all you could say was that all of this made you sad.

 

I am crying as I write this because there are so many emotions I do not understand. I sometimes ask myself why I had to love you so much. I wouldn’t, however, have traded my love for you for anything in the world.

 

Why are so many of my memories only of your constant pain and suffering? This is what bothers me at all hours of the day and night. I ask God many times to take away the images of you that haunt me. I had never seen anyone suffer as much as you. So many times I stood over your bed and felt so helpless as you wasted away. How many times I cried out to God for His help, and yet all I know is that He in His perfect wisdom knew we were bonding closer together with a love we had never experienced before. It only grew over the months and this is why it is so difficult to live without you.

 

I am still amazed as to how you were able to endure so much, and yet you didn’t complain. If only you knew how this has left me with not only an absolute love beyond words, but a respect beyond anything I have had for anyone else in my life.

 

I respected your amazing strength and ability to go through so many months of suffering. My heart has been ripped out and a knife has been inserted in the spot where it use to be. It will only be removed when I see you again.

 

My pillow many times has been wet because of the tears I cry for you. So many times I have literally cried myself to sleep. I still dream about you. I think about you when I get up, at different times throughout the day and when I go to bed at night. How much I wish you were lying next to me when I wake up each morning.

 

I now write poetry about you. This is so easy to do because of my love for you. Because you were in my life for 21 short years, the feelings I have had for so long can now only be expressed in words. When you were sick, I wanted to read the many poems I had written, but you were afraid you would cry. I just want you to know I have written the following poem that describes the loneliness I feel without you.