Sweetheart, yesterday was
another rough day. It was the 9th week anniversary of
the day you left me. My face was buried in the towel I
used to wash my hair. So many tears flowed. I
looked at your photo and I said out loud that you are
suppose to be with me.
How large would the bottle
be if my tears for the past two years could be
contained? How many flowers would grow if only my tears
fell upon them? I feel everyone of the flowers in the
garden I've built for you could survive on my tears
alone. So many times I've paused as I've planted them
in your honor, and thought of how much you would
love to be here to see what I am doing just for you.
Each tear that has fallen has a silent message
of just how special you still are.
I still have such a hard
time believing you are gone. You survived so many
setbacks in this life, and yet you were somehow able to
always go on. This time something bigger than the two of
us would not stop until it accomplished what it was
determined to do. I feel like an old man who has aged in
the last two years. My heart has been broken, dreams of growing
old with you have been shattered, and tears
fall as I write this.
Others encourage me to
move on, and what they don't realize is that I want
to, but how can I do this if you were so much a part of
me for 22 short years. How can I simply let you go after devoting
my whole life to taking care of you for so many months?
I realize I will go in a different direction within
time, but I simply can't without first letting your
memory be indelibly etched in my mind so that I will
never forget you.
I think about you all the
time. You were my queen and princess. You were an
absolutely amazing person. You will always be the
flower of my life. There will always be a special place
for you in my heart.
I have had so many times
when I've wondered how I will go on without you. When in
bed, I've reached over so many times and
wanted so badly to touch you. The loneliness has been
more than I ever thought it would be.
God accomplished a specific
purpose in our lives when He allowed you to suffer so much.
You were perfect to me as I watched you silently
waste away while lying in bed with your eyes shut.
You rarely said a word complaining of all of the pain
you had. So many tears were shed as I sat silently next
to you.
I miss you so much and yet
it is another week of living without you. More flowers
will grow with my tears and I know God has counted
each one that has a silent message of just how much you
have meant to me. Bottles with my tears have been
collected by God and you someday will see them when I am
finally able to embrace you and show them to you. You
are so deeply missed, and yet I feel I can't
tell you how much by words that seem so inadequate.
Love,
Richard
