Saturday, May 7, 2005

6:30 p.m.

 

How can I possibly communicate what it is like to lose someone and have people understand how it feels? I am convinced it is not possible. It is amazing how emotions change from week to week. Mere words do not give a true picture of how much someone is missed by a person who is deeply grieving.

 

How much do people really love each other as they should? More don’t than do. It’s so tragic how so many loved ones are taken, and only than is it realized how important they are. So many people are caught up in an insane rat race and simply don’t take time for each other.

 

I miss coming home and seeing Linda at the door and yet all up and down my street I see families that give no thought whatsoever to the possibility of losing a husband, wife or child. This is what happens when people are too busy to stop and think of “what if’s”. Now that spring is here, so many parents are caught in the trap of taking the kids to soccer or baseball practice. Day after day is pure busyness that is void of quality, but plenty of quantity. Little true time is spent with each other as a family. Few husbands and wives go for walks with one another, but so many simply exist by watching TV and calling it another day. This type of relationship will haunt anyone who has to go on when a loved one is taken.

 

Guilt is so pervasive when dealing with death and resulting grief. This is something that at least isn’t plaguing my life, but the tradeoff seems to be a real sense of loss that has deep sadness as its companion.

 

I wonder just how long missing Linda will last. She is constantly on my mind and no doubt this is the case when there is nothing to fill the void. I am basically just existing. Reality is starting to replace the shock and numbness of losing her. To be brutally honest about the emotions felt at a time like this is not something a normal person can relate to simply because everyone’s life around you has not changed in a drastic way.

 

Life is the pits right now. Life is not challenging and I am asking God to give me a purpose for living. I am not talking about the ultimate spiritual goal, but what about life now. This is when I relate to the book of Ecclesiastics. Solomon was no doubt a very depressed individual even though he was the wealthiest man in all of history. Perhaps the lesson is just how much we use material possessions to replace what is really important. If everyone would be totally honest with themselves, admitting life has a piece or two missing in the overall puzzle would have to be a given, but how many people will admit this when everything seems to be going along OK? If people only knew.

 

For anyone reading this, what if tomorrow morning you get a call and a loved one has been killed in an accident, or what if a husband, wife or child dies suddenly without warning for any given reason.  What if there is a small and yet sharp pain that is felt when you get up tomorrow morning and you go to a doctor this week and find out it is the beginning stage of cancer? Life will change as never before and yet the words I have just written can be brushed aside so easily. If only people knew how fragile and uncertain life really is.