Monday, May 30, 2005

6:00 a.m.

 

Yesterday, I experienced what many husband’s or wives have to go through when dealing with a loss. I was, however, not expecting to be taken for another emotional ride on life’s roller coaster.

 

I finally worked up the courage to search through three boxes on the back porch that Linda had put together. One box contained a thick album of photos taken from the time she was a baby, until her senior year. For a gal who never liked having her picture taken, I was very surprised to see how many there were.

 

So many thoughts went through my mind as I looked at Linda’s first car and her various hairstyles from the 60s and 70s. I found her graduation photo and diploma as well. I now have a special section on the bookcase for the various items from her high school days. Her graduation photo is really beautiful.

 

When something like this happens, it strikes a nerve in a very different way. As I looked at Linda’s photos as a child, I wished I could pick her up and hold her. She looked so sweet and innocent. Even in her teenage years, as troubled as she was, she managed a smile in many of her photos. I also found another picture of our wedding day. A number of them have been lost in the moving process in past years and so to have only two, makes them special.

 

Linda also kept a number of items from Brandon and Stephen’s elementary school days. I had to smile at the many things both of the boys wrote to their mother. It was very evident they loved her. Their school photos brought a smile as well. It’s hard to believe they were so little at one time and that so many years have passed by. Linda loved Brandon and Stephen very much.

 

This has been a very sobering Memorial Day weekend. Not only was reaching the 8 week mark difficult to deal with this past Friday, but to search through so many memories was more difficult than I expected. Two facets of Linda’s death to deal with in three days, has been very difficult to say the least.

 

The only way I can look at what has happened is to at least realize that doing this is part of the healing process, even though emotional wounds were opened. I feel the knife went a little deeper into my heart in the past three days, but I’ve been told by a few people that it does become a little easier within time.

 

On the positive side, I did work on the memorial garden for 15 hours in two days. Now when someone says Linda is looking down and admiring it, I state that if this is true, I sure wish she would say something. This is a very common statement and true to form, I heard it from a neighbor yesterday. I feel Linda has become a figurative Casper the friendly ghost when people say this. People mean well, but how many stop and ask themselves if this could really be happening?