Sunday, May 15, 2005

8:30 a.m.

 

I plan to write more poetry. Expressing myself by way of a poem does help me to understand what is happening in my life at this time. So many aspects of the grief I feel is becoming far more personal since I am now dealing with a hell that has deepened in my mind.

 

Poetry reflects so much of what is happening inside. The pain is so deep and the tears come so easily. I have been so in love with Linda. She was the world to me and now I realize I face so many things alone. I well up with tears as I write this, but if I don’t admit how I feel, it is only a matter of time until it hits me like a tidal wave.

 

I woke up with a terrific headache this morning after spending over eight hours at the computer yesterday. I couldn’t stop writing and I lost track of all time. Tears are so easy to come by. Many tears flowed yesterday when looking over the poems I have written.

 

I feel a tremendous loneliness. It’s a beautiful day outside and yet it seems to make little difference. How long will this feeling continue?

 

If I were to compare losing Linda to the experience of my divorce, what I feel at this time goes far deeper. I do feel I am facing this period of time with more of a maturity than when facing the heartbreak of my divorce. I have no desire for drugs or alcohol in order to deal with what is happening. I just want to face the dark side of this experience head on and not play mind games.

 

Not only do I miss Linda as my sweetheart, but I miss her companionship. So many men and women make the mistake of looking to replace a wife or husband who has died, but I simply don’t feel this way. I am going into my seventh week since Linda died and I am not desperately searching. I do not know what God has in store, but I don’t want to let my heart rule over my head. So many stories have been mentioned to me in which new relationships develop due to so much loneliness. I can understand this, but I don’t want to come across to anyone as being on the prowl and compound my problem because I am not desperately looking for a replacement. The grief I feel comes in stages and I am very guarded in what I do with my life and who I am willing to share it with. I have to let go of Linda at some point, but I am not ready to do this as of yet.

 

Another day is here, along with another weekend spent in front of this computer. It has become my therapist and companion. I feel as if my first new relationship has started. It doesn’t argue with me and is willing to accept the many mistakes I have to correct when expressing my thoughts. It’s now only a matter of giving it a name. We spend hours simply staring at one another. Yesterday, it patiently waited for me to say what needed to be said. It was waiting for me this morning and yet Linda use to sit here. How I miss seeing her at the keyboard. How I miss our conversations. We would be going for a walk at this moment, but instead I am exercising my fingers instead of my legs.