Sunday, April 17, 2005

7:00 a.m.

 

Some prayers are answered quickly and last night was one of the quickest answers I have ever received.

 

I was tossing and turning all evening, deeply troubled by what I have been feeling. I have not been able to come to grips with what has really been bothering me, but I do believe God will reveal what is wrong, but only as I am able to handle it.

 

I have been told by Susan, my grief counselor with Hospice, that issues need to be addressed and understood. Perhaps I am beginning to understand, but the many emotions seem complicated and intertwined.

 

When someone you love suffers so much for so long and dies, how does a surviving husband or wife recover from the memories of this? I look back at how much Linda suffered, and how she experienced so much pain, and to see her die as a mere 50 pound skeleton has been very difficult to come to grips with.

 

How would someone cope if they survived a horrible automobile accident, and yet the person next to them died an agonizing death from the injuries? What affect would this have on the person who survives? What if a wife or husband was shot with a gun directly to the head and it was witnessed by either one? How would the one who survives carry on with life?

 

To witness constant suffering and pain for so long is also very traumatic. Only now am I realizing just how much of an affect Linda’s suffering has affected me. The memories of being totally immersed in this for so long, is something God is going to have to heal. To have continually asked God to intervene, and yet death was the outcome, has simply drained me. Every bit of energy I had was invested in taking care of Linda, and this is simply hard to shake.

 

I am now waiting for the people who will want to contact me and throw a figurative life preserver called words of concern, which are really words of correction. Somehow it is more easily understood if an American soldier is sent to Iraq, and witnesses a lot of pain or death, and psychological problems result, but for psychological problems to plague a caregiver, may not be understood by others. To come to grips with this is the only way I can heal, and yet I know this will not be understood by others who haven’t been through it.

 

The words I am writing are still not expressing what is really inside. A literal war of life and death was experienced and it may be that I am suffering from a form of what is called post-traumatic syndrome. I don’t know. Yes, God does give the strength to get through this, but it is a personal hell when facing what is really wrong.

 

This is not just about me, but there are many other Richard Markland’s who are going through a form of shell shock now, and will be in the future. There is a real risk involved when revealing the psychological problems that can plague a caregiver. The emotions are intense, and when revealing ones self to others, any number of friends may offer words that don’t relate to what is happening.

 

Traveling on this journey does not mean taking shortcuts. It would be equivalent to someone who wants to get to a certain destination in an automobile, but doesn’t want to travel the most logical route. Constant shortcuts are looked for on a map, but much to the regret of the driver, by taking a route that was thought to be shorter, it only turned out to be a nightmare.

 

The greater the experience with suffering, and resulting death, the greater the pain on the way to recovery. I wish there was a shortcut when dealing with grief, but this abyss I am in is the roadblock I face at this time. It won’t continue forever, but is very painful in the meantime.

 

So many people concentrate on the hope offered in the Bible, but don’t realize that in order to understand real hope, you first have to understand how to grieve and even feel moments of hopelessness and despair. Only then is real hope understood.