Sweetheart, I
have been restless this week. It took looking at
the pictures of our wedding day to realize what
has been bothering me for so long. I am someone who
made many mistakes, and I owe you an apology for how I
treated you in the past.
You were
so patient. So many times you could have left me, but
you always stayed. Only in the later years of our
marriage, did I realize what I had done to you. How
could I have been so proud and arrogant? When I look
at the photo of you on our wedding day, with
the look of a princess and a queen, I now realize
you deserved so much more than what I gave to you in
the early years.
Not only
have I grieved because I have lost you, but I have
also had so many tears because I did not cherish you
as I should have. You were so innocent in the way
you viewed me, but I let you down. Perhaps others
would say that I made up for what I did by the way I
took care of you in the later years, but my conscious
does not allow me to overlook what happened.
I have
viewed you as a goddess, because I have had you built
upon a pedestal. I know you had faults, but I simply
came to love you because of the respect I
gained as a result of your strength and courage.
You complained so little when you suffered.
This
morning, I dreamed I kissed you while sitting at a
traffic light. I felt your face upon my lips. I hated
waking up. I wanted it to be real.
I've
cried many tears this past week. I needed to see the
photos that your sister sent so that I will make
sure I am never this way again. I am dealing with all
aspects of our relationship so that I do not go on
with things unresolved in my mind. I am now entering
the 11th week of your death, and it is so different
than last week. So many facets of who you were, and
what you meant to me, has bombarded my mind.
If only I
could make it up to you. The scars will always be a
part of my life. What a beautiful person you were, and
what an honor it was to take care of you when you
were so ill. You looked so perfect as you resigned
yourself to dying, and I realized how much I
truly loved you when I was able to lay next to
you, just before you died. You were a woman of true
character and beauty. You were as much of a goddess as
anyone could be. You were so sweet and innocent. It
was such an honor and privilege to be married to the
most beautiful woman in the world.
I've
needed to apologize to you in this letter. Pride
and arrogance was my downfall, and yet you were so
patient and understanding. Thank you for being who you
were. I've humbly asked God to forgive me, and now I
have written a letter of apology to you.
