Saturday, June 11, 2005

7:00 p.m.

There is nothing on this earth more mysterious than death. Who can really understand it? If anyone should be able to, it is the person who looks to God, knows what the Bible says, and yet the answers still don't  satisfy the loneliness when a loved one is taken.

Love is an amazing emotion. I pity the people who don't have a clue as to what it is. I am convinced that unless you lose someone, you are never able to realize how important they really are. No matter how much  people may try to imagine what it is like to lose the one they love, it simply can't be done.

No two people grieve the same. The grief for a husband is different than for a wife. Grieving for a child has its own set of unique tears. The innocence of the person victimized by a disease, or accident, is very hard to face. To read Linda's entries in her journal, was the most painful thing I have ever experienced. She was simply a lost soul desiring answers from God. She was innocent in so many ways. I just couldn't give her the answers she desired, when facing death. This is what strikes a nerve that runs so deep in my mind. I have cried so many times when I think of the loneliness she must have felt.

The memories cherished cannot be described with mere words. As long as a husband, wife, or child is a part of each day, it is virtually impossible to think what life would be like without them.

I am now a widower. I feel like the missing piece of a puzzle. People don't view me the same, and for the first time, my friends or family don't know what to say when I express how this is impacting every aspect of my life..

Death is a very uncomfortable subject. There is no topic on earth that can make a person squirm more than to talk about the impact of losing someone. Only when finding a friend, who has had a loss of some kind, can the subject be discussed at length. My neighbor next door has a wife and two boys. He feels very uncomfortable if I mention anything about Linda, as far as the impact of what is happening to me is concerned. My neighbor across the street has said more than once that he can't imagine what this must be like. He also has a wife and two sons.  The neighbor to my right lost his wife and son to cancer, as well as a female companion. He always reminds me of his loss, and yet he has never expressed how the deaths have impacted him. This is where there is a difference between a person who is a deep thinker, and a person who has a shallow approach to death. Both people are grieving, but one is afraid to face the reality of it, and the other meets it head on.

A person who is shallow, in the way they view death, has set boundaries, and the line won't be crossed. Death actually scares them. I have spoken to a number of people who are experiencing the same thing I am, and yet they are only able to go so far, and than they stop. The conversations are basically predictable. They leave the element of love out of the equation, or the emotional impact the loss has had. I am unable to talk about Linda, without mentioning how much I miss and love her.

I was at first taken back by the shallow view expressed by others. I have now come to accept it, and I have a far better understanding of why shallow people say basically the same thing, when explaining what has happened in their lives. They simply never were deep thinkers in the first place, and it then carries over into an area that should be the deepest subject there could ever be. On the other hand, I have spoken to people who are on the same wave length I am, and these are the people that are able to help others.

When friends give advise to the person grieving, little do they know what the mindset truly is. For the person who thinks shallow, distractions are sought and pursued. Eventually, emotions that have been buried finally catch up. For the deep thinker, emotions are dealt with, but what they are can alarm a friend or family member. I was told by a friend, two weeks after Linda's death, that I was in an abyss, and he was concerned I may not get out of it if I dwelt too much on the negative aspects of my loss. Of course it was more than obvious that he has never experienced anything similar to what I am going through, and doesn't understand what true love is. I do not know of any other way to understand the conversation.

I thank God for what I am learning. Only by going through this, have I learned to have compassion on others. I also understand death in a way I never have before. Those who are in the same category as I am, know what I mean. God works in a very specific way with those who are grieving. A hardness of the heart is what God wants eliminated. Only through this experience, have I come to see myself as never before. I look forward to the days ahead, as God shows me my faults and shortcomings. I know He will be kind and merciful, when He does. He does grant an extra measure of love and mercy for people who want Him to help them. I don't want anger and bitterness to ever be a part of my life. How can I help others if I am?

I really don't care if people feel uncomfortable with what I say. I am talking to myself, as well as to others, as I explain the dark side of the human experience. No one likes being told where they are wrong. We as human beings want to think we have it altogether. What a surprise is coming. When God steps in, and wants a change of heart, it is His personal "Operation Shock and Awe." It is done for our own good, but instead people don't want their comfort zones upset. God is always the first person blamed when something goes wrong. Anger towards God is the equivalent of giving Him the spiritual finger. 

I hate death, but it has only been through the death of Linda that I have come to see how dangerous and deadly pride and arrogance are. Only by what she suffered, do I now understand what true love was, and still is. When everything is going our way, we simply live in a world that isn't realistic. We are fat, sassy, and proud of it, and it is so easy to think everything is fine. My world has crumbled at this time, but I hope and pray God will help me to rebuild. I know He will, if I look to Him, and I am willing to admit where I am wrong.