Wednesday, April 13, 2005

9:15 p.m.

 

I have been restless tonight. There are so many if only’s going through my mind.

 

I find myself searching for answers to things I’ve never considered before. Yes, I’ve thought of death, but not in the way I am now. How many times have I read of death in the Bible and given it little consideration? So many times I’ve heard of other people dying and it was so easy to put it out of my mind. Death is so much a part of the evening news and yet the reality of it is the most difficult thing in the world to deal with.

 

So this is what it is like to mourn the loss of a loved one? No matter how much I tried to prepare myself, there is no way I could have known.

 

It has been almost two weeks since Linda died. What is happening to my memory of her? I don’t like the distance coming between us. She almost seems surreal. After all, it has been only 12 days since Linda died. How could I have been married to someone for just over 21 years, and find a distance slowly developing between us? It is so hard to let her go and yet how can I stay attached to her if all I have are photos and memories? I don’t hear her voice or see her as I use to.

 

I still find myself thinking a lot of how Linda died and suffered. She didn’t deserve the hell she went through. I lost myself somewhere in all of this. I was so busy taking care of her and now it is starting to take a real toll on me. When counseling, I hate being asked questions about how this has affected me. I am only now realizing I put all of my emotions on hold when taking care of Linda. I am not in tune with what is bothering me. This is when all of this becomes a real personal hell.

 

I hate experiencing this. Sometimes I don’t know what to think or feel. I never thought I would feel anger, but I do. My anger is not directed toward God, but I am angry that I have to write about this. So much soul searching is taking place, and what disturbs me so much is that I can’t stop writing about this ordeal. At the expense of losing Linda, I now write about the emotional toll her death is taking on me. I miss normalcy so much. The days are so different now. Time has no essence. One day blends into another.

 

So many times I’ve sent updates on how Linda was doing and now it is my turn. I’ve never felt this is suppose to be happening to someone else and I don’t ask why it happened to Linda. It’s just that this house is so quiet and yet I can’t stop writing about this. I’ve tried staying away from this computer, but it has become like a magnet and I’m drawn to it. Expressing my thoughts this way helps me to maintain my sanity, but I don’t like the subject.

 

I keep searching what I call the dark side of the human experience. Death isn’t a mystery as far as what the Bible says, but so many emotions are experienced when grieving and I am trying so hard to understand what is happening. This is reality in its truest form. It’s ugly to look at in the face everyday. The worst part is waking up each morning and it’s still dark outside. I’ve never spent so much time debating whether to pull the covers over my head or look at my twin in the mirror. Only when dealing with a loss, are the simple things difficult.

 

The word routine is only in the dictionary because nothing is routine at this time. Thankfully there is a God. If there wasn’t, I would have taken my life and died next to Linda.