Tuesday, June 21, 2005
5:00 a.m.

Week number twelve is just a few days away. I am aware of Friday's at all times. It is a day I dislike more than any other. Here it is Tuesday, and I am already thinking of the weekly anniversary of Linda's death.

There are greater attempts made in a personal way to move on. I still think of Linda many times throughout the day, but perhaps my being so weary from so many tears in the past months, has really sapped my spirit. God knows there have been an ocean of tears formed. He has counted each individual tear that has fallen to the ground.

I had a number of people tell me in the first few weeks that it does become more tolerable. This was beyond my ability to comprehend. How could a person possibly say this? If the comments came from someone who has experienced a death, there was a credibility granted in my mind, but I could not in any way imagine being able to live without Linda by my side.

It comes down to realizing a person has little choice in the matter. Memories can be a curse, if remembered in a negative way. My nightmare this past Friday was probably the most graphic of the 7 or 8 I have had since Linda died. Her innocence is what has saddened me so much. How could someone so beautiful suffer so much pain? She went through a hell beyond anything I have ever known. To be a mere 50-pound skeleton was a testimony of the fighting spirit she had. I will never be the same and I only hope I never have to experience this again.

I still have moments throughout the week when I cry. The tears can come at any moment. I have tears as I write this, but I have no choice but to live another day with all of the mental pain that accompanies it.

I've learned to be more compassionate towards others. Things that use to bother me are now so trivial. People take each other for granted. This is such a simple statement, but it is amazing how we don't realize how much we do.

Many people who have known of Linda's death have moved on of course, but I know she will always be remembered by those who knew her well. I still have moments when I have such a difficult time believing she is gone.

The tears are flowing a bit harder now. I need to stop. The darkness of late evening and early morning is when it is the hardest. I thank God for sunshine. Perhaps a glimmer of light is now shining through in my life. I hope this never happens to you.