Thursday, May 19, 2005

7:45 a.m.

 

Yesterday was a bit difficult. Even though I dreamed of Linda for the first time in a positive way, it did have an adverse affect. I quit work early due to mental fatigue. I am returning to finish the job within a couple of hours. This is bound to happen on occasion. I found myself thinking yesterday of how Linda died and yet it has everything to do with how much I miss her. There will be setbacks, with little steps of improvement along the way.

 

I am realizing more and more how the art of love is lost. All a person has to do is look around at the average guy or gal on the street, and the appearance of how someone is dressed tells a lot about who and what we are. So many men and women in my area have manual labor jobs. This type of work has caused men and women to become hardened. I’ve had my share of jobs in this area many times in the past and I know the factory worker mentality. This attitude is being passed on to our children and it will only get worst.

 

I am fortunate to be in the window cleaning business. There is a professionalism maintained and there isn’t what I call a gutter level mentality in the business relationship.

 

So many men and women have tattoos, or better known as body art. It’s as if they are trying to outdo one another because it is not just a simple tattoo here and there, but massive numbers of tattoos everywhere. So many men look dirty and women have lost a feminine side as a result of demanding equal rights. Jobs for so many men and women are boring to the point of affecting their mental outlook. There is a lot of agitation in a factory atmosphere by workers towards one another due to the boredom of the jobs performed. The language for so many workers is atrocious. Men don’t treat women with respect and women have lost total respect for men.

 

It may seem odd to talk about this and yet it is something I realize has been bothering me as of late. What has happened to true love? Why do men and women look at each other as basically objects for dirty jokes or for a weekend fling? Divorce is rampant. Few solid relationships are maintained.

 

When Linda died, I now realize losing her in the way I did has removed a lot of the rough edges from my character. All men have rough edges. I have always done my best to maintain an ethical standard and morality in my conversations and conduct, but when Linda was diagnosed with cancer in 2003, it was the beginning of a humbling process that made me realize love goes far deeper than a mere word.

 

As a society, true intimacy in a relationship is completely missing. We take each other completely for granted. Men aren’t real men, and women aren’t real women. It is not improving either, but deteriorating at an alarming rate.

 

Writing my thoughts of Linda, by way of poetry, has made me realize just how she was someone who truly was feminine and beautiful. I write from the depths of a heart that has been shattered and I hope some people who are salvageable can see they should not take each other for granted when they read what is written.

 

I feel that people who give cut and dry answers to a person grieving, does not understand true love. If they truly loved the person in their lives, they would realize how difficult it would be without that someone special. Instead, so many people avoid thinking about what it would be like to lose the one who has been in their lives for so many years. I have had people say that at least Linda isn’t suffering or that I will see her again. These type of comments are made by people who have never experienced tragedy or have never known what true love is, and yet they are completely oblivious to any of this in their lives. I feel for these people because they will find it isn’t this simple.

 

I’ve tried looking over some of the things in my journal that were written at the beginning of 2003. The updates I send daily have to be corrected of all errors in grammar and punctuation. I would like to read what I’ve written before giving the pages to the person proofreading everything for me. Much of what I write is written quickly, but I find I can’t read what has happened in the past at this time because it is too painful. I have noted, however, how Linda’s declining health, in what I have been able to read, was a humbling process along the way. Many times I wrote about how much she meant to me and absolute desperation at the thought of losing her. It has been a long two years.

 

It’s another day of facing a world few people are really in touch with. So many people are caught up in an insane pace that never stops. Countless husbands and wives will simply look at this as another typical day. Not a single thought of how to improve relationships will take place. Another day, another divorce. Only when losing someone, is it realized how important the person really was. Someone died while writing this update. More tears have been shed. Tragic how people never take the time to appreciate the really important things, and how this is just another typical day for so many people.