Monday, June 27, 2005

6:00 p.m.

How many people who woke up this morning thought it would be just another typical day, only to be affected by tragedy? How many people in the world overall have found out they have a terminal disease before I am finished with this letter?

So few people realize how many individuals have very serious issues to deal with in life. I do not mean serious financial issues or major career changing decisions, but life and death issues. I am only now  beginning to realize how huge the numbers are. Various websites on the internet actually have statements posted by people who have experienced tragedy. It’s the dark side of the human experience that many people do not want to be a part of, but in which an amazing number of people are. My name has now been added to the list. Within seconds, new names will be added. Death never rests.

As a whole, people simply don’t like being around those who are dealing with grief or sadness. So many people feel they have enough problems of their own to deal with, let alone listening to those who are dealing with real heartache and pain. If we would be completely honest with ourselves, we would rather be around people who are a positive force in our lives, than to allow someone in who is hurting deeply as a result of losing a loved one. So few people realize more can be learned from the person who has experienced tragedy because it is a certainty which will happen to everyone. I am learning from the experiences others are going through and I wouldn’t trade it for all the money in the world.

I am surprised as to how many people are still receiving the updates I send. The number of recipients is actually growing. This is not mentioned for the purpose of patting myself on the back. Perhaps it is because many people down deep inside wonder what it would be like to lose a mate or family member. I do know there are people who are presently caregivers receiving updates as well as individuals grieving as a result of a loss. I have said a number of times that there are many Richard Marklands experiencing grief. What I write about is not just about me. When I mention the word “I”, it could be replaced with the names: “Leslie”, “Connie”, “Bill”, “Pat” or “Megan”.

I have been very open about the number of tears I have shed through this ordeal. My tears, however, are similar to what so many other people have experienced or are experiencing. I am convinced that cancer will worsen and affect more and more people. Problems in the world are increasing and more people are being affected by disease, accidents and war. Thousands of families in America and Britain are now affected by a war half-way around the world. Tears are now being shed as a result of losing a husband, wife, son or daughter in the war on terrorism. No matter how much we want to shut our eyes to reality, somehow, and in some way, everyone will be affected by something if they haven’t already.

At any moment, cancer could strike whoever is reading this. Tomorrow morning will seem like just another Tuesday for many people, and yet within a few minutes after leaving for work in your car, you or a family member could be killed as a result of a terrible accident. The tears I now shed for Linda could be tears you shed for a family member or tears they shed for you.

Some individuals, who feel they understand what it is to lose someone, really don’t. Even if certain people have lost someone, it could be years since it happened and relating to the person grieving is not really understood. This, however, is the exception and not the rule. I am thankful for the understanding God has given to me as a result of this ordeal. I am also thankful for the people I have come to know. The people I now relate to are not the positive people who are unrealistic, but people who are realistically positive or who are struggling as I am.

Recently, I spoke with someone in his 40s who is obsessed with his job. He eats, sleeps and drinks his profession, yet when a friend briefly interrupted our conversation, and asked how Linda was doing, the individual was completely quiet. It was as if I was speaking a foreign language when I stated Linda died. He simply has never been affected in a personal way from what I perceived as a result of his attitude. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to join in the conversation, but he simply couldn’t relate in any way to what I was saying. His expression spoke volumes. He quickly changed the subject to money. I found myself pitying him because he will probably fall apart when he is affected. I don’t’ say if, but when. Everyone will at some point have to face mortality in its rawest form. It simply can’t be avoided.

There are people who have been through tragedy and heartache and yet have moved on. Some forget that the person on the receiving end of advice is already overwhelmed without being overwhelmed further. All counselors for those grieving will say the person victimized by sadness and pain need time to grieve. It may be 6 months, a year, 2 years or more. We all need breathing room when experiencing depression, sadness, heartache and pain. Just listening to the person grieving is all someone needs to do. A person grieving is already lecturing to the self, without someone giving unwanted advice.

How can I ever be of help to someone who is experiencing grief and sadness unless I have experienced it? How can I understand why someone can’t stop crying unless I have moments when I can’t? I will only understand loneliness if I experience it. What I am going through has made some people feel very uncomfortable and more than one individual has wanted to save me from what I am going through. What so few people understand is that what I am being so open about is what millions of others have experienced or are experiencing. There is nothing new under the sun.

I appreciate coming in contact with people who have assured me that I am not losing my mind. It is so easy to feel confused because of so many conflicting emotions demanding attention. The personal battle being fought at this time makes all the battles in the past seem so trivial.

When a person has lost someone, it is as if you become a member of an exclusive club. There is no membership fee. Just how many members are there? The only way I can explain as to how exclusive it is would be to ask the following question. How many people have you known that have died compared to those who haven’t? As I look back on my life, I have had family members and friends die, but when all is said and done, Linda is really the first person I have to truthfully say has affected me as no other. It is an exclusive feeling by far. To be a member of this particular club, you have to feel it to the bottom of your toes and it has to cut as deep as a knife. The knife has to actually remove your heart. Only when you experience this kind of emotional pain, are you a member of an exclusive club which consists of people who feel emotions which are above and beyond anything ever experienced before.