Sunday, June 12, 2005

11:00 a.m.

Speaking from the heart can be difficult for people to handle. As human beings, we want to think we have our acts together, and yet when there is someone who writes about the dark side of the human experience, it can be a bit unsettling. After all, fewer individuals experience the loss of a loved one, than do. A number of people who received the very first email I ever sent on Linda's struggle with cancer, are still receiving segments concerning the personal struggles I am now facing since her death on April 1st.

I don't question what the Bible says about death. I don't wonder if Linda is in heaven, hell, or simply in the grave. I know her future is secure. I don't question whether there is a God. I have proven it without a doubt. He is aware of what is happening to both nation's and individual's.  I will see Linda again someday, but the comfort of this can only go so far. It doesn't take away the emotional pain of losing her. What the Bible promises does provide hope, but it isn't pervasive in my mind throughout the day. God made us fragile by nature. The older we become, the more vulnerable we are to the realities of this life.

Few people realize how God works in a very individual way, if He is looked to, during a time of grief and sadness. He does take a hands off approach when individual's don't want Him involved. He has taken more bad raps from people than anyone else. It's amazing how He doesn't let the anger expressed towards Him affect how He feels towards us. It is so easy for people to look to Him as the source of life, but when it comes to death, well than it's quite another matter.

When losing someone, there are choices to be made. Will a person be angry with God for not doing what  He is asked to do, when a loved one is suffering? It is so easy to say you are a "Christian" when things are going well, but let things take a tragic turn in life, and soon God is viewed very differently. How could He let a person suffer for months, and eventually die? How can He be a God of love, if He has the power to stop suffering and pain, but doesn't? Why did He let a child die in an auto accident? Why does He allow people to die in war? Why suffering and pain in a world in desperate need of His help? To be quite honest, if a person wants to draw the conclusion there is no God, it would be quite understandable.

When losing someone, it is amazing what comments are made by others. I was at one time an individual who tried so hard to understand the loss of someone, but I simply didn't realize that if I didn't know what to say, than perhaps it was best not to say anything. Somehow there has to be a quick fix for a friend or family member. I hold firm to the belief, without a doubt in my mind, that because God made each one of us so differently, people can't come along and give the same answer to two different individual's. All of us grieve in a unique way.

What if the person experiencing a loss wasn't serious about life to begin with? What if life was jam packed with busyness and partying? What if a death is sudden, and the person grieving has hardly ever shed a tear over anything? What if a person never took the time to pray at all? Is it any wonder people have a hard time handling the death of a loved one, if life has been lived carelessly? On the other hand, what if a person grieving watched a loved one suffer for months? What if God was looked to with tears, and even to the point of fasting for His help, and yet He allowed the most important person in your life to die? This is when a person is tested as never before.

There are no quick fixes. I've had my moments when I want there to be microwave solutions to my grief. I am now in my 24th-month of grieving for Linda. The grief has been by degrees. My tears started in 2003, when Linda was first diagnosed with cancer, and they have continued ever since. My motto throughout all of this has always been: The greater the love, the greater the loss.

Perhaps what I am realizing is that certain people who do their best to comfort me haven't explored areas of death and grief as I have. This doesn't mean I am superior in any way. There are, however, people who do understand. I am a person who simply isn't satisfied with cut and dry answers, when the impact of Linda's death has affected me so deeply. The abyss I have found myself in has been very deep and dark during certain moments, but it is only a matter of time until I see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Throughout Linda's suffering, I was on a daily emotional roller coaster ride in which we both had our many highs and lows. We took one step forward and two steps backwards in the hopes and dreams we both had. During this time, I learned to love Linda as never before. Never have I felt so helpless in all my life. I was suppose to provide security for the wife God blessed me with, but instead I could only cry out to Him with tears streaming down my face when on my knees.

Very few people understand what took place when I was so intensely involved in the desire for Linda to live. Never have I been so obsessed with wanting to help someone to survive such a horrible ordeal. It was hour after hour of suffering, and I had my moments when I wondered where God was? As I look back, I'm relieved I wasn't just learning about God, and how important prayer was. If I had been an individual who had a party mentality throughout life, suicide would have been a viable option on the day Linda died. It would have been so easy, when I look back and remember how much medication was on the kitchen table. I could have positioned myself next to Linda, after taking an overdose, and died with her, but what a tragic outcome after all we had been through. God would not have been pleased.

I am still searching for understanding and meaning to all of this. It is a crash course in reality. No matter how many people have come along, and tried to pull me out of various ditches I have fallen into, God is the only one that knows how to rescue me from a feeling of so much hopelessness and despair. There are still many lessens I have to learn.

The future is now totally different than ever before. It's not as if I have a wife or children to occupy my time. When living alone, it is a time to deeply reflect upon the important things in life. Without  a doubt, God is in this house. He is helping me to understand things I have never understood before. There will probably never be another time like this. Of course, what I am saying cannot be expressed with mere words. The emotional impact during a time of grief is very intense. It is when weekends arrive that I am finally able to reflect in a way I can't during a busy work week. The way I look at Friday's is not like the average person. While so many around me can't wait to approach life as a party, I am reminded of the anniversary of Linda's death. Weekends are simply not the same. Distractions are put on hold. Saturday and Sunday is a time when a perspective is obtained unlike the rest of the week.

I never hear from some of the people I send my segments to. I do hope what I write isn't wasted space. I realize many people don't know what to say, and perhaps this is wisdom. Others sincerely want to help, but feel inadequate. All I know is that every single person reading about my struggle has either already faced death, or will at some point and time in the future. Yes, I am handling the loss of Linda in my own unique way, but so will the people reading the segments I write, if they experience a loss.  Grief is an emotion not understood when things are going well. It has an impact unlike anything else in life, but it also helps a person to gain wisdom in an area few people can even begin to grasp, unless they have experienced the loss of a loved one. I just hope it doesn't happen to you.