Would It Be Easier If Linda Had Died Some Other Way?

by Richard Markland


Tuesday, June 28, 2005

9:00 p.m.

 

Today, I found myself wondering how long it will be until I no longer have images of Linda dying in my mind. If I had received a call to tell me she had been killed in an automobile accident, would this be easier to deal with? I will never know, but the thought does cross my mind. Would I have felt cheated because I wasn’t able to tell Linda how much I loved her if she had been killed suddenly? Would her sudden death be easier to handle?

 

I have never told anyone that the greatest fear I had while married was that of losing Linda. The thought of this happening was years before Linda was even stricken with cancer.  It was as if God knew a secret no one else did and allowed it to become a self-fulfilling prophecy. I am only now addressing this in my mind. This is another reason I am having such a difficult time handling Linda’s death. Because she had so many health issues to deal with, I slowly began to realize over the years how easily I could lose her. I never told Linda how much I feared her dying. This is why I have been so devastated and why I am struggling to move on.

 

I’ve never stopped and asked why I put Linda on a pedestal. She was faultless in how I viewed her. In so many ways she was a goddess to me. She was never one to accept many of the compliments I mentioned to her because she was dealing with so many health problems for so many years. As Linda deteriorated, she had difficulty feeling good about herself. Linda was an amazingly strong person. She scratched and clawed her way through life. The fighting spirit she had played itself out to the very end. Linda was one of a kind. I always called her my little firecracker.

 

How do I now let go after spending so much time taking care of her? It is not a matter of simply moving on. How I wish is was so easy. There are a number of emotional issues that have to be dealt with. Watching someone die slowly is bound to cause psychological problems later. I feel I was sucked into a vortex and not released until Linda’s cancer played itself out.

 

So many nights, I would just look at Linda and reflect on her life. It was very difficult for me to believe she was at the mercy of such a terrible disease. I promised I would take care of her when we took our wedding vows, but the words “for better or worse” are taken for granted as simply a part of the wedding ceremony.

 

There is no nobility if I say I would have given my life for Linda. The driving force behind such words is a four letter word called love. Linda was a queen to me and as beautiful as a rose.

 

On my way home from work today, I had to once again wipe the tears from my eyes. I still find it hard to believe she is gone. I miss her so much. Is it really possible to love anyone else as much?